Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Seperation Anxiety

When I got home tonight my Little Piglet was asleep on the couch. The other kids were awake to give me goodnight kisses. But since he wouldn't wake up to give me kisses I held him for a few minutes... and I started to get all sad and teary eyed. I have less than 30 days before I have all these moments taken away from me for 30 days. It tears me apart EVERY year... EVERY year I get sad... I get moody. A part of me gets torn away. I would love for that part of my world to never get torn away like it does in this case. So, as I held him... I grabbed the camera and snapped this shot before asking Dear Husband to snap a few more shots. I hate feeling so sad... I hate crying. It should be a happy time for them. It should be a break for me... but I don't want the break! I wouldn't mind once a month for a weekend... or even every other weekend. But a MONTH at a time, tears me apart. Hurts my heart. I know they need time with their "father" but still. One of these days they will see that their father views them as an inconvenience and not the joy that they are. Their father always has been this way, but I had blinders on. They have blinders on right now... but they won't forever. As my youngest son laid in my arms sleeping peacefully I can feel it... I can feel my heart tear apart. I can feel the pull to just keep them. For the guy who thinks his child support goes so far... and complains when he has to spend money on them (he won't get pictures done, he won't buy clothes without threatening to take it from my child support, he won't get them anything they want/need without complaining) while they are with him... when most father's would be greatful and spoiling their children it makes me want to just hug them and hold them and shelter them from the world. Can't I shelter them from all this? So, tonight as I look down and see his sweet innocent face and I snuggle with this little boy... as I tuck in the older children and say good night and get kisses from them I find myself SOOO very sad... so sad that last night I even crawled into bed and cried on my husband. It's all I know how to do... is cry because I can't just KEEP them.

If only you knew half the story, you would know why I worry so much... you would know why this breaks my heart beyond just mommy separation. But I'd cry either way... because they are my life 11 months out of the year!!

1 comment:

Crystal said...

Just wanted to stop by to thank you so much for the prayers and support for Bentley. We are so grateful for amazing bloggin' friends like you. Although we do not personally know each other, support is support and I hold that close to my heart!! Thank you so much!!